I can be going about my daily business, tasks or what have you when all of a sudden it will hit me that OMG my dad’s gone and I’m never going to see him at work in his garage ever again. I am at a total loss at what to do when this happens.
I’ve given in to those feelings many times and been unable to bring myself out of those deep wells of grief-filled emotion. I am a spiritual person by choice and am aware that he is only gone in the physical sense, but at these times I don’t care about that. It bothers and upsets me more that I can’t pick up the phone and call him, or go out to his house and visit and listen to all his wild, adventurous stories ever again.
It doesn’t matter that I can, if I want, to speak aloud to him in my mind or aloud or in my dream and I can then imagine what he might say. But I don’t KNOW what he might say now that he’s somewhere I can’t see him and it isn’t a comfort at all. It just feels empty and doesn’t help in any way.
There are times when I feel very angry that he’s gone. Not that he chose to go because I know he was not all that happy here – but that he wasn’t able to tell anyone how or what he felt and didn’t feel he deserved any help. It makes me very angry that I can’t turn back time and tell him what I’m certain he didn’t know before he made his choice to leave us all behind and go on an unknowable adventure on his own and that no matter what he thought he deserved, he was always loved, admired and respected by many people – some of whom he likely never thought felt that way.